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For the past year and a half, I have not worn a single pair of trousers.
Surprising I know but let me explain. For the majority of my life I have been a size 8 (6 if there was a stunning dress with only one size left that I’d squeeze myself into). It was never something I was necessarily proud of, just something I was used to, as my weight rarely fluctuated. Then I came to uni and with the help of many takeaways and boozy night’s out, that number 8 slowly morphed into a 10. This was never really an issue either. I’ve always loved food, there isn’t anything I won’t eat or try and that double figure was just a reflection of all the meals I had so thoroughly enjoyed.
Then nearly two years a go, my life changed in a lot of ways and my diet took a backseat and my clothes started to get tight. First it was full on structured trousers, they wouldn’t even get past my thighs. Then it was jeans, that became so uncomfortable I’d have to undo the top button before I sat down to eat. It came to the point where I’d even wear a baggy top that would float over my waistline so I could unbutton my jeans at lunchtime without being seen. Eventually, I gave up on trousers all together and leggings became a firm staple in my life.
Deep down this made me unhappy and I began to wonder what was causing this disappointment with my figure. Was it all the ultra-thin models in magazines? I don’t think so. I understand these ladies lives are filled with constant workouts and strict food plans and even then, good angles and airbrushing are a big part of those finished glossy photos. Plus at an above average height of 5 foot 6, combined with a lot of smoke and mirrors, (trust me the stomach rolls are there) in my mind I looked just as slim as I was a decade a go. That’s part of the problem though isn’t it? As long as I thought I looked ok on the outside then everything was fine. When did my own vanity become more important than my health?!
I think ultimately I was ashamed at my lack of willpower. I can’t say no to any food, even at the cost of my health, something I should know better about after studying Anatomy at university and seeing first-hand the effect diet has on your organs. The thing is, I don’t want to spend my life wishing I’d eaten that burger or I probably shouldn’t have that cake.
At the very least I could have included a lot more fresh fruit and vegetables into my diet but I find it such a chore. I go weeks where the only fruit I see is in the form of wine and my immense cheese intake should probably be studied by scientists. Plus the extra weight has finally given me something I’ve never had, boobs!! The amount of money I’ve spent on huge padded bras is crazy, especially when I could have spent that money on pizza and got the same effect that lasts longer. I think that’s partly why I don’t want to diet either. Even though I wasn’t happy I’d put on weight, I know for a fact my chest would be the first thing to go if I ate less.
So there we have it, complete denial. Convincing myself I’d only gained a couple of pounds rather than a whole stone in weight, that if I continued to wear my stretchy size 10 leggings, then I was a 10. Stuck in trouser-less limbo never buying the next size up because I didn’t want to admit I was bigger.
It wasn’t until the Christmas just gone I realised the only person missing out was myself. I was constantly judging my body when it had done nothing wrong and a change of mindset was in order. It was time to start allowing my body to be comfortable, to accentuate the parts I love and accept the parts I’m not so keen on.
So when I spotted these gorgeous cigarette trousers in the River Island sale, I told myself to stop over-thinking and bought them straight away. They are my first item of clothing in a size 12 and I bloody love them! Not a smidgen of chaffing or tightness and I feel so much more confident. Along with my new trousers, I’ve gained a new positive outlook of my body. I could lose weight at any point in the future and I’ll love my flatter stomach and lean legs, or I could stay the weight I am (maybe even put on weight) and I will love my more curvy trouser loving self. Either way it’s a win win situation.
Yes, size is just a number. It’s a number that can make us feel insecure, attractive, self-conscious and practically every other feeling under the sun but it really is just a number and now I’ve accepted that, I can have a wardrobe filled with digits.